I am writing this to you in connection with the job that was advertised in the June 2004 issue of Sods and Bods. I am pleased to inform you that your search for a suitable employee is over. To avoid confusion, I mean that I will be a suitable employee and that your search will be over when you receive this letter shortly.
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Application for Monthly Paycheck
Dear Sir/Madam Jason Green
Upon your request, I can provide you with a full employment record, however I regret to inform you that I am no longer allowed to send stool samples as they have, in the past, been mistaken for candy bars. The postal worker in question is expected to make a full recovery and yet my postal probation for packages weighing more than 5 lbs continues. I can provide you with a list of prior employers but I ask that you contact them only on the times specified as they are highly unlikely to be allowed to take phone calls during "lockdown" hours and they are equally as unlikely to use their only phone call to return yours.
Let me assure you that I am highly motivated to make my employment with you live long as well as prosper. I enjoy light gambling as a hobby and I've missed only 4 or so meetings of the local support group. I have many friends and am a very social person. In fact, many of them say that I tend to "overindulge in celebration" at times. They have also, on these occasions noted that "I would get my arse kicked if I spew in the car".
I am required by law to inform you, as well as my neighbours, cleaning staff and coworkers that I am a recovering necrophiliac. Let me give you my personal guarantee that if you or any of your staff were to "expire" during working hours that I would be completely discreet. Since I believe that long-lasting relationships are based on trust, I would like to inform you that I am a compulsive liar but that I am receiving treatment for it. In fact, I have been so dutiful in my recovery that I was voted the #1 recoveree and the crowning ceremony was the first live international broadcast, ever.
I look forward to a long and profitable relationship together and I await your reply like a heroin junkie awaits my next fix. I did not include my banking details as I wish that my payment be delivered in the form of a black sports bag dropped from a moving car on a pre-arranged date. Unmarked bills would be appreciated.
Yours in misnomanition,
Monobrow Mick, PhD.