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Captain's Dog, Stardate 41287.4
Following the oral consumption of my regular logging device by my canine companion during one of our recent missions, I have been forced to conduct all my logging procedures via the aforementioned companion for an indefinite amount of time.
This has so far had little effects on the dog, except for the fact that he has gained the ability to speak in a Mexican accent, demands to be called Josť and on several occasions, has threatened to use his newly-found omnipotence to destroy the entire ship unless the entire crew agrees to wear sombreros at all times.
I presented this little problem to the ship's counselor, Deanna Troi, who had been recently diagnosed with Tourette's syndrome (despite it being fully curable with 24th century technology, we opted not to notify her of this for entertainment purposes). She suggested that "we should probably do what the dog asks, because COCKSHIT MOTHERWANKER RASPBERRYSANDWICH!!!!" (sic). So far there have been no objections to this peculiar regulation and the situation is under control. Picard out.
No, not you, Josť! Don't go out, I have to--
Oh, you just wanted to get some burritos? Hmm... Get some for me as well while you're there, ok? And watch out for Data, he may attempt to hump your leg again.
And would you stop the recording now? Thankyou.
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