Ambitious, but rubbish
LATEST FEATURES

Battlestar Galactica, yo

Feuer Frei!

LATEST UPDATES

Space Quest something!

Back in __ minutes

All the memories are too few

WHUDDUP

Japanese crows proven more intelligent than average dane

Godzilla plays Super Mario level 1-1

Real-life teleportation invented in Ja... ...no, wait... Denmark?

Photoset: Zombie and pirate rights march

Catchy something something... in Space!

Sports which didn't make it into the winter games

by Pstonie (10 February 2006)


Swedish national Slamming star Ulhuv Jorkssen, warming up for a move called "the Turkish scrotum"
Most people are aware of Skiing, Curling and Bobsleighing, common sports, the likes of which you are more than likely to encounter when watching the winter games this year. But few know about some of the stranger forms of sport. More obscure, perhaps, but I assure you that they are just as capable of boring you to death.

Slamming
No sport manages to incorporate 70s disco fever and break-dancing like this Swedish classic. The rules are many and hard to understand, but the basic idea is that any one of the four allowed players deliver the most amazingly entertaining display of break-dancing magic to the tune of any one of three hits by the Bee Gees. Participants will be judged, not only by their prowess on the dance floor, but also by their clothing and size of afro, relative to head size, as calculated by the Travolta-Steinberg algorithm.


Mitoh Fukyujima, now Japan's oldest living man at 111 years of age. (Age incorrectly displayed as "1111", but give the guy a break, he's senile.)
Super Aging Fun Time
Every winter, Japanese fans gather to take part in the awards ceremony for a sport that runs the entire year. It's a national sport like no other, a sport where everyone participates. The ceremony itself is a gigantic occasion, taking up to four months to prepare and lasting one whole week. Every aspect of the yearly event is planned and nationally televised while the judges pick the year's finalists from the general population.

The finalists are selected, not by physical strength or mental ability, but solely by their age. Twelve of the oldest people in Japan take part each year and are given a set of tasks. The tasks change every year, but all seem designed to determine the industrial productivity of the participants. The finalist which proves most productive is selected as the winner. As a prize, they will receive a bag of rodent intestines and some flowers. The winner will then light the Super Aging Fun Time torch, a pool of petrol which contains the other eleven finalists and their families.

Screaming
This very obscure, yet widely adopted sport comes from Denmark. Screaming is not so much a sport in Denmark as just a way of life. It may not seem worthy of note to anyone from outside of Denmark, but it is believed that this forms part of the mystery which is Danish culture. A group of explorers and philosophers ventured into Denmark in 1996, attempting to achieve a basic understanding of Danish culture. Shortly after the start of their expedition, all communication was lost with the small group. Five years went by before a single member from the group, Dr. Himmel Groftfordsch, emerged and warned the general public against ever visiting Denmark. Dr. Groftfordsch said that it was horrible and unbelievable, a statement which he punctuated by gouging his eyes out and then going completely insane. Many more scholars of human behaviour have ventured into the country but have never been seen or heard of again. This led to Denmark being internationally declared as "an intellectual black hole".

The sport itself does not have any rules. It is believed that the winner will be the one who screams the longest and the loudest, but specialists advised that normal mentalities and ideas should not be applied when considering anything from the Danish culture. Screaming was not accepted into the winter games due to its mortality rate, which is the highest of any sport, including Russian Roulette.