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Fjoinky's Adventures in SpaceStarted on: 2 July 2004
Ended on: 13 August 2004
Contributors: Pstonie, Justas, Phatt, Olzen
Link to original thread: Click here
Length: 7388 words
It had been four years since Fjoinky and Dougie's last adventure. Times had changed. The sky was bluer, the grass was greener, the sun was brighter. Dougie had found the saturation setting in their TV's menu. But other than that, they were still a pair of losers from an internet café who smell like stinky socks. And wear ones.
Yet, this one strange Thursday changed it all. Fjoinky woke up as usual, grabbed his clothes, didn't brush his teeth, downed a cup of coffee, spit in the corner, urinated in the trashcan and walked out. However, even to the best of his abilities, he was unable to find his car. In fact, the whole neighbourhood just wasn't the same. It looked like a hallway. A futuristic one.
"Good morning, Mr. Fjoinky," came a sound from the left.
Fjoinky turned to the left and saw a peculiar-looking man. His skin was pale, his face emotionless and his hair looked as if a genetically engineered cow had been licking it for hours.
"I am Roy. Roy the android. Follow me, I will take you to Captain Patrick. He will explain all this to you. I am also incapable of using contractions. Do you not find that peculiarly illogical as if it were a cheap method of emphasising my mechanicalness?"
Fjoinky was stunned. Partially because of the shock of waking up aboard a spaceship three hundred years in the future. And partially because he had just realised that where he had urinated, was not a trashcan after all. He decided not to share this information with Roy.
"I'll be with you in a second."
"And if you are planning to clean up the replicator you just urinated in, do not bother. We will take care of that." said Roy.
The first thing that Fjoinky noticed about the future is that the chicks all wear skintight uniforms. The dudes did too, but Fjoinky wasn't that kind of space ranger. Roy walked in front of Fjoinky as they made their way to the lift, his head moving akwardly, as if to indicate that he was contemplating something large.
"Sir," said Roy, "I have noticed that you are paying particular attention to the bulbular chestoids of the females in particular. Are you calibrating your spatial sensors?"
Fjoinky didn't want to seem out of place, not in space, a huge place, which is space.
"Yeah." Fjoinky replied.
The lift doors opened and they stepped inside. It began moving and Fjoinky watched the ceiling for any falling maintenance personnel.
"Fascinating," said Roy, "I often do the same. Ensign Areola is very helpful in this regard. When I reach the touch calibration, she assists my feeling calibration by slapping me."
No maintenance people had emerged from the ceiling of the elevator to this point, and Fjoinky's pants were dry.
"Sometimes," continued Roy "I have to chase and gag her."
The lift doors opened and Roy led them outside and into the bridge.
The bridge was impressive, even to someone from the 21th century. It had lots of controls and stations, not to mention more chicks in tight suits. A movie was playing on the main viewer. Fjoinky followed Roy as they walked over to an oversized chair that was standing in the middle of the bridge. The man that was sitting in the big chair, and therefore presumably was running the show, looked at Fjoinky.
"Oh, hello." said the chair man.
"Hey," replied Fjoinky, still looking around, "nice chair."
"Throne," it came from the man, who promptly hopped off it.
Roy went over to the replicator and relieved himself.
Fjoinky looked at what Roy did. "The future is cool," he thought.
That was followed by an awkward silence. Fjoinky looked at the big screen. It turned out that it was not in fact a movie, but a reality show. It featured twenty librarians who had been locked inside a former nuclear reactor with hazardous levels of radiation and had to compete each other in basket-weaving and toenail clipping to receive the bonus medical care required to survive the 16 years and claim the grand prize of a lifetime supply of screwdrivers.
"So... you're the captain, huh?" asked Fjoinky from the man sitting in the chair-throne.
"No, not at all," replied throne man, "I'm Mr. Random Nameless Ensign. They just decided to give me a larger chair and put it in the middle of the bridge for some reason."
"Really?" asked Fjoinky.
"Of course not," responded Captain Patrick, "I was being sarcastic."
Fjoinky frowned. He had been pranked. The future was no longer so cool. Just then a couple of spandex chicks passed by, which implored him to reconsider.
"So, why am I here, Mr. Captain?" asked Fjoinky.
"Call me Patty," came the response. "You are here because you are... The Chosen One."
"Blimey," said Fjoinky.
Captain Patty straightened his brassiere and pointed to another door in the corner.
"To my readyroom." Patty said and led the way.
Inside the captain's readyroom was perhaps the strangest place on the entire ship that Fjoinky had ever seen. Fjoinky based this assumption on the strong neon lighting, the 4 foot tall earwax sculpture of Elvis in the corner as well as the day-glo sign behind the desk that read 'Perhaps the strangest place on the entire ship.'
Fjoinky sat down in the chair opposite the desk, he noticed a glass pyramid on the captain's desk.
"So," Fjoinky said, "you said that I was the chosen one and that I would get to score with any chick on the ship."
"Yes," replied Patty, "you are the chosen one. But I strongly doubt that you will even come close to another woman in your lifetime."
"Hmm." said Fjoinky in a contemplative manner as he picked up the pyramid. It smelled of mustard. The camera zoomed in on Fjoinky's face as dramatic music became louder. The scene faded out with this and the show's episodic opening was had.
Captain's log, stardate unknown. Our latest adventure, which will not be recorded here in order to conform to the required brevity as well as to prevent long sentences to run on as stipulated in code 127.5 paragraph 12, has led to us being sent back in time. We have collected a specimen human from the past and are feeding him with stories of being the chosen one in order to make him volunteer to take part in Wang, our Klangon armory officer's weapons demonstration. Interestingly enough, the specimen human has taken a keen interest in my groin massager.
Fjoinky slowly put the glass pyramid back on the table.
"You know," Fjoinky said while wiping his hands on the side of the chair, "you really shouldn't record logs while I can hear you. It gives away the game."
"Nonsense," said Patty in a contradictory manner, "it serves to enlighten the viewer to just what is happening."
Fjoinky grunted like a wild boar in heat.
"Now," continued Patty, "let us make our way to the shuttlebay where you will assist us in testing 'The Incinerator'."
Fjoinky wanted to make up an excuse, but he couldn't think of a good one.
"Hmm... Okay!" he said and followed Patty to the lift.
"Say, how do you use that groin massager?" asked Fjoinky with an unhealthy interest in his voice.
"Well, you kinda... oh, shut up!" mumbled Patty as he pushed the button that made the lift fly to the shuttlebay in an instant. Fjoinky wasn't used to such speeds and with an uneasy feeling in his stomach, he ran over to the nearest replicator.
"That's a very delicate instrument, you know!" said Patty. "Take advantage of your limited time here and check out some of the shuttles instead."
"Oh" said Fjoinky and ran over to the nearest ship, which was so beautiful it cannot be described in a low-budget story such as this, and proceeded to puke on it.
"Oh, good lord!" said Patty, whose otherwise calm face expressed sincere disgust. Fjoinky wiped the barf around his mouth in his shirt.
"Boy, you 2004-people are some utter bastards, aren't you?" asked Patty, but before Fjoinky could manage to answer, Patty pointed at a large machinery Fjoinky hadn't noticed before now, even though is was next to them.
"The Incinerator!" said Patty, with a good dose of pride in his voice.
Fjoinky marvelled at the apparatus, which was unlike anything he had ever even dreamed of. In this state of total disbelief and astonishment, he could only utter one word.
The Incinerator resembled a giant cannon, complete with a bucket seat attached to its base (containing the controls) and the lot was contained in a swirling 'bubble' on the outside of the ship's hull to aid with targetting.
The Captain piped up to break the silence "So Fjoinky, what do you actually think of it? Apart from 'BOOBS!' of course."
"Well it's very nice," Fjoinky replied, "But I do have a few gripes with it. For one, there isn't a cup holder for a drink, there isn't a replicator to pee in, and that bucket seat could be made a bit comfier."
The Captain pondered these for a moment and then said: "Well, we can have those adjusted for you, as you will be the one who uses it."
The Captain began to pace up and down the deck.
"In our time, we rely heavily on computers for everything, including targetting systems on our ships. Therefore, none of us can aim for shit. However, a new, nameless enemy has appeared, and their ships are so fast that our targetting computers can't hit them. But with the development of this weapon, we can defeat them. We selected the best candidate from our past to fire it."
Fjoinky raised his eyebrow.
"But why me?"
"Because you are The Chosen One." replied Patty. "I've also assigned Lieutenant Commander Jordy to assist you."
"Jordy? What a stupid name." thought Fjoinky.
"I don't think you're in a very good position to be criticising other people's names... Fjoinky." said someone behind him. He turned around and saw a black man, wearing a most peculiar pair of goggles.
"Are you Jordy?" asked Fjoinky, "And how did you know what I was thinking?"
"It's the goggles, man." said Jordy. Noticing the confused look on Fjoinky's face, he continued: "They can read brainwaves in such a way that people's thoughts appear as text on the screen."
"But that doesn't make any sense!" exclaimed Fjoinky, "Thoughts aren't something you can simply convert into text."
Jordy changed his tone.
"They also function as X-ray specs, so you better shut up before I tell everyone that you're wearing Erik Estrada underpants."
Fjoinky didn't like Jordy.
"Right. Let's get to work then," said he and imagined Jordy being attacked by a flock of mutated pelicans. He was pleased with himself, as he'd figured that Jordy couldn't read non-text thoughts. Until he realised that this didn't serve any real purpose whatsoever.
"Blimey," he said.
But his words were silenced by a distant but very loud noise coming from the nearby hallway. Jordy looked towards the door and started perspiring profusely.
A stream of Pelicans entered the shuttlebay and made their way for Jordy. Patty grabbed the bottom of his dress and ran for his life. Shortly after the Pelicans passed Jordy, they all flew into the shuttlebay forcefield and were incinerated instantly. Fjoinky tried to imagine a hundred naked babes falling out of the sky, but his concentration was split. A giant cream-filled donut materialised just to the port side of the ship.
"Damnit." Fjoinky cursed under his breath.
The badge that Jordy was wearing made a noise, someone spoke over it:
"Jordy," Wang said, "we have discovered an intruder. I made my usual manly warrior attempt to be manly and warriorly, but Captain Patrick told me to piss off."
"That's great, Wang," replied Jordy, "why are you bothering me with this, just as I was about to decide to do some work?"
"Uh," replied Wang in a helpful yet warriorly manner, "it was another human from the past. He is asking for food, also for Fjoinky."
"Okay," Jordy replied, "we're on our way."
Some time later, Jordy and Fjoinky stepped out of the lift and onto the bridge. Squornly. Captain Patty was staring at the viewscreen, that was apparently displaying the 'stars' screensaver.
Officer Wang approached Fjoinky.
"I farted." Wang said, "It is a Klangon fart, a warrior's fart."
Fjoinky was not impressed.
"Fjoinky!" someone shouted from a position on the bridge that Fjoinky had not been watching at that time. The same someone was presumedly the someone that tackled Fjoinky before Fjoinky could see who the first someone was, that shouted at him before.
Fjoinky was lying on his back, in pain. He saw Dougie standing over him, hopping about like a puppy that was very excited. Fjoinky stood up slowly, his greeting that he extended to Dougie was interrupted by what is to follow in the next paragraph.
The next one after this one, that is.
The ship was shaken and lights dimmed for a brief second as someone fired on them. Wang manned (warriored) his station and started going over the tactical details.
"Sir," Wang said, "someone shot at us."
"Good work, Wang!" Patty said, "Now that this is sorted out, I'm going to my readyroom to have some tea."
The captain left the bridge and everyone felt relief over the crisis that was overted.
The ship was shaken once more and Wang confirmed to Roy that someone had shot at them. Roy hypothesised that this might have been the same someone who had shot at them before, but that it was unlikely that it was the same someone who tackled Fjoinky.
"They're hailing us, sir." Wang said.
"Oh boy!" Roy said, "Put it on screen and stuff."
A white screen appeared and the text 'Signing on - irc.quake.net port:20X6'. A moment later a channel named '#spacebattle213' appeared.
"Channel open, sir." Wang said.
"Good day," Roy said, "I am Roy the android from the starship Gorr, why have you fired on us?"
The words that Roy had spoken appeared in the chat channel, they awaited a reply.
"haha ur kiled humen morans!1" read the reply.
Roy pondered this for an akward amount of time.
"lol" Roy said slowly.
"lol" read the reply.
"Hmm," Roy said contemplatively, "a worthy opponent."
Captain Patty entered the bridge from his readyroom. He had had a change of clothes and was now dressed like Robin Hood. He walked up to his chairthrone, sat down and uttered the following phrase:
"who r u??"
The response came quickly. "We are the Borfel. We will overtake your systems and pop your pimples. Opposition is nugatory."
Patty tried to make a hand sign to Wang indicating that he should mute the connection. Wang wasn't paying attention, so Patty took off one of his shoes and threw it at Wang. He repeated his hand sign. Wang didn't understand.
"Mute the fecking connection!" said Patty.
"There is no need for this, the Borfel logged off 30 minutes ago and they have already taken over half of our ship. We have been waiting for your orders," said Roy.
"Bugger," said Patty. "What do you suggest we do now?"
Dougie, who had been talking to Fjoinky in the background all this time, mentioned: "Hey, wasn't Fjoinky supposed to use some kind of a weapon--" and his words were cut off as Fjoinky had begun beating him with a random blunt object, rendering him relatively unconscious.
"Right then, you have the bridge, Fjoinky. I'll be in the Holothing, shooting arrows at helpless retarded children," said Patty as he adjusted his hat and entered the elevator.
As soon as Patty left the bridge, Fjoinky let out a "WAHOO!" and threw himself into the chair, however he missed by an inch and barreled into the floor. He picked himself up, calmly dusted himself off and slowly sat in the chair.
"WAHOO!" Fjoinky cried and span around in the chair.
"Fjoinky," Wang said "Surely we should do something about this menace?"
Fjoinky strained to think, but only ended up farting and nearly following through.
Then an idea came to Fjoinky.
"Mr. Wang," Fjoinky began, "Begin procedure Ctrl Alt Del."
The display screen then popped up the message "System Shutdown imminent." Then the screen went blank and the lights went off.
"OK." Fjoinky said "Where's the power switch?"
"Ermm...." replied Wang "I can never find it in the dark?"
Eventually, Wang did find the power switch and flipped it. Everything seemed quiet. It appeared that the Borfel had been defeated. Everybody cheered until the screen came on.
"Thank you for your cooperation, Earthlings. By deactivating your security systems, you have enabled us to take over 80% of your ship. Farewell."
"Sir, I did point out that the Borfel were not dependent on our ship's systems, but you refused to listen to me," said Roy.
"Don't worry, I know someone who may be able to help us," said Fjoinky.
"Really?" asked Wang.
"There's a man who leads a life of danger," said Fjoinky, "to everyone he meets, he stays a stranger."
"Hmm..." said Roy and realised that he does not usually utilise this particular expression.
"With every move he makes, another chance he takes," continued Fjoinky, "odds are he won't live to see tomorrow."
"So, who is he?" asked Wang this time.
"Mr. Itor. Jan Itor," responded Fjoinky.
This was followed by a sudden flash of light, after which Jan appeared right in front of them, dressed like a samurai.
"You rang, Janey?"
"Janey? I thought it was Debbie?"
Jan sighed. "Does it really matter? The insult still remains valid."
Jan snickered "So, Janey, what do you want?"
"Well" Fjoinky began "80% of this ship has been taken over by some unknown alien types. As getting rid of them is a 'clean-up' operation, I thought you'd be best for the job."
"Which idiot put you in charge here anyway?"
With that, the lift doors opened and Patty walked back in, still in his Robin Hood costume.
"That would be me."
"Explains a lot."
Jan then turned back to Fjoinky "So what's in it for me?"
"We don't fire you out of the airlock."
"Okay, I'll do it, gimme a few hours." And with that he disappeared into a nearby ventilation shaft.
"What an odd fellow," Wang commented, "How did he get here anyway?"
"More confusing still," said Patty, "Where did that ventilation shaft come from?"
Just to break the bored mood on the bridge, Roy started to jerk wildly. It seemed that he was having some kind of attack, something that would normally only happen to an inferiour human construct. Roy's wild attack lasted for about three seconds, after which his body seemed to start jerking at a rhythmic pace and Fjoinky's pocket rang. It was his cellphone.
"Booba booba bong-bong," Roy said as his attack caused him to fall out of the chair in which he was sitting, "your primitive electronic device seems to be affecting my motor control. Peng-peng fjoinle."
Fjoinky thought that this was pretty cool. He checked his cellphone's display and sighed. It said "Ma" on the screen, and Fjoinky was not in the mood to be told about what a complete failure he is. Fjoinky thought about taping the phone to Roy's back, where he couldn't reach it but it stopped ringing and Roy returned to his normal state of operation.
Fjoinky noticed how everyone was staring at him and cleared his throat to speak.
"About this Jan guy," Fjoinky started, "he is a janitor that I met at a hospital that kept showing up."
Wang grunted, a warrior's grunt.
"He seems to have become an omnipotent being from the janitor continuum," Fjoinky continued, "he probably made that ventilation shaft appear out of thin air. It's kinda what the Itors do."
Dougie finished urinating in the replicator, it thanked him for his contribution.
Jan returned. "It's more serious than I thought. Fjoinky, come with me."
They walked to the elevator. "Dougie, you have the bridge," said Fjoinky as they exited.
On their way, Fjoinky asked "So, what's the situation?"
"They're too powerful. I'm going to need you to create a diversion while I sneak close enough to stop them."
"Sure thing," responded Fjoinky, "what kind of a distraction are we talking here?"
"You'll need to strip down to your underwear and do the hamster dance while yelling 'Chepooka! Chepooka!'"
"Hmmm.... okay!" responded Fjoinky.
And then Fjoinky did the hamster dance and all Borfel were laid to burnination.
"Hooray! We did it! We beat the Borfel! I can't believe that it actually worked! I guess my distraction was-- hey, what's with the video camera?"
"You'll see, Mary. You'll see," replied Jan with a smug look on his face.
"Roy to Fjoinky" came the message over a nearby com channel.
"Yes," Fjoinky replied, "it is I."
"We require you back on the bridge, sir" Roy said, "I sense a plot device forming on the nearby planet."
Fjoinky stepped onto the bridge as he finished singing 'My Way' in full voice. Jan was with him in the lift and followed him out, spraying mists of water on Fjoinky.
"Sir," Roy stood up out of the captain's throne, "we've encountered something, or rather the absence of something, in the storyline."
"There's a story line?" Fjoinky replied and looked at what Roy was indicating on the viewscreen, he wished that it had been boobs.
Fjoinky was just getting used to the idea of never wearing clothes again when he realised something.
"Boobs!" Fjoinky yelled, "that's what's been missing out of the story all along."
Roy thought about this for a while. Fjoinky flipped through a copy of 'Consumer Electronics in Drag' that he found in the captain's throne. It was apparently what Roy was reading.
"Sir," Roy finally responded, "I would like to point out that the previous story didn't really have the possibility either."
"What's that?" Fjoinky asked, "What are we talking about."
"Boobs, sir" responded Roy in a timely fashion.
Fjoinky drifted off as he pondered what Roy had said.
"Alright then," Fjoinky finally said, "I'm sending an away team down to the surface of this primitive world. There, I shall join you as we use 24th century technology to exploit the complete lack of advanced technology in hopes of ultimately achieving... Boobs"
Fjoinky put his pinky to his mouth and laughed evily. No one got the joke.
A few hours later (Although the warp engines were fully functional, Jan thought it would be fun if he told them that the Borfel had damaged the engines in a way that the standard sensors couldn't detect, so it took them hours just to reach that nearby planet. Many fun things happened on the way, though. Jan showed everyone the tape of Fjoinky doing the hamster dance in underwear, Roy did his Elvis impersonation routine, Jordy rented out his X-ray specs - 5 bucks a peek, Wang killed an anonymous defenseless ensign - Gladiator-style - and ate him for dinner, and Patty breakdanced in a panda costume), they arrived at the planet.
"Sir, we have reached our destination," said someone. Nobody bothered to find out who it was.
"All right," said Fjoinky, "it's time to go beam down the away team. It will comprise of me, Dougie, Roy, Jordy, Patty, Jan and Wang."
"But sir," said that anonymous someone again, "an away team can only contain up to four members! And you need someone to run the ship while you're away! Doing this would be a violation of the intergalactic law!"
Fjoinky thought for a moment. "Number One, go take a number Two," he said.
"But my name is--" said the anonymous guy, expressing his concern on the crappy substitute for a name that Fjoinky had given him, while attempting to reveal his real name to everyone as well. Nobody cared.
"Shut up and do as you're told," commanded Fjoinky and walked off to the elevator with the rest of the away team, in order to get to the transboinker room.
"Huh-huh" Fjoinky laughed, "boink."
The lift reached its destination and everyone got out, except for Fjoinky and Dougie who were still acting like idiots. They noticed that the lift had stopped and caught up with the others, who entered the transboinker room. Uh-huh-huh, like, 'boioioioing!'. Eh, ahem.
Everyone besides Fjoinky got on the transboinker pad. Fjoinky went to the transboinker chief with large grin, he had some questions.
"So..." Fjoinky started, "you're the guy in charge of boinking people."
"Uh, yes sir." the Chief replied.
"Uh-huhuhuh." Dougie laughed softly.
"I see," Fjoinky continued, "so you boink a lot of people, I suppose?"
"Heh," the Chief nodded, "that I do, sir."
Dougie's laughing became slightly audible.
"Hmm." Fjoinky said, "So, uh, some dudes and animals too, I suppose."
"You bet, sir," the Chief smiled, "machinery too. Sometimes I have to get someone in here to help me."
Dougie burst out with laughter and proceeded to wet himself. Roy took notes of his behaviour.
"Ah," said Fjoinky as he looked at what happened to Dougie, "mission accomplished."
Fjoinky got on the transboinker pad and gave the chief the signal to boink them down.
"Sir," the Chief called out, "you could swing by on Sunday if you like, we're going to boink eachother to run some experiments."
"Sure thing." Fjoinky chuckled as he and the team was boinked down.
They arrived on the planet followed by a rain of Dougie's urine. Roy got out a little device and started pointing it at random things.
"I believe we're on a 'street', sir." Roy said, reading from the little device, "these objects that are moving around are called 'cars'."
They were on a street. Cars were moving around them.
Roy stopped a person who was walking past them.
"Good day, sir," Roy greeted the elderly woman, "how 'bout them Dodgers?"
The woman hit Roy with her handbag and ran off. She was pretty old, it was more like a stroll.
"Fascinating," Roy said, "it appears that I shall have to try another form of communication."
Roy stopped another person and re-attempted contact. He read from a flat device.
"Wh.. Whaddup, dog?" he started, "yousa fly motherbiaatch comin' fo yo daddy."
There was no response.
"I... I... Isa askin' you," Roy continued, "gots me sum hens so I can make off. Isa popped a cop, yo."
Fjoinky took the device from Roy and beat him with it.
It had very little effect on Roy, of course, with him being an android with superhuman strength. The lot of them observed Fjoinky's futile attempts of inflicting pain on Roy and became relatively amused. Roy took mental notes of Fjoinky's behaviour for later storage, as his gadget thingy was currently being smashed against his proverbial groin.
"Fascinating," he said.
A few minutes later, they got bored and and Jordy hit Fjoinky in the head with a trashcan, which inclined him to cease his violent activities and lose his consciousness for a few seconds.
"So, what was it that we came here for?" asked Patty.
Dougie was eager to respond. "Boobs, sir!"
"Oh, right. Okay, here's what we're going to do. Jordy and Wang, you question the pedestrians to find out if they have come across any boobs recently. Roy, boink back to the ship and get yourself a new gadget thingy, this one looks pretty screwed. Dougie, you stay here with Fjoinky, in case he should go psycho again. Jan, you go and--"
"Hey, cap," said Jan, who was now accompanied by three busty attractive females, "if you don't mind, I'd take a little shore leave for entertainment purposes. I'll rejoin you in your quest for boobs when I'm done."
"Sure thing," responded Patty, "but if you happen to notice any boobs in the meantime, let us know."
"Don't worry, cap. I will." said Jan as he headed off to the nearby motel with his newly-acquired companions.
Fjoinky and co watched Jan stroll in to the motel, and then turned to each other to plan their next move.
"What I would suggest," began Roy as he boinked back down to the group with a new device "is taking a random sample of this planet's population and asking them outright."
Everyone looked at Fjoinky to see what his decision will be.
"Sounds good, lets see......how about...."
Fjoinky was interrupted by the sound of Dougie cackling and pissing himself as someone boinked down from the station orbiting the planet.
"Hehe" said Dougie "boink!"
Fjoinky slapped Dougie upside the head and continued "Roy, grab that guy walking past us."
Roy reached out, and without effort grabbed the guy by his collar and pulled him over to the group.
"You!" Fjoinky began "What's the boob situation on this planet?"
"Well," the random passer-by began "there are only 3 people on this planet who have boobs, and i've just seen them go into that hotel with some guy wearing overalls."
"So that means Jan...." Fjoinky began, but trailed off when the penny dropped...
Fjoinky picked up the penny and observed it. The text on it read "The Empire of Japan, 2184".
He took a few minutes to contemplate the meaning of this. It would've taken him less time if it wasn't for the fact that he was constantly distracted by thoughts about boobs, caused by the recent frequent mentioning of the word. Finally, he realised what had happened.
"Blimey," he said.
"What is it?" enquired Patty.
"We're on Earth... in the future!" said Fjoinky.
"Dat be chickenshit yo' tellin', man. It be makin' no sense, aight bro!" said Roy, who was reading from the new gadget thingy. Which once again urged Fjoinky to beat Roy with it, but the fear of a recurring trashcan involvement changed his mind.
"Don't you see? Your ship isn't only travelling through space, but due to some peculiar anomaly, it is now also travelling through time! That's why you ended up in 2004 in the first place. And this here isn't an unknown planet, it's 22nd century Earth, where Japan has apparently conquered the world, developed boink technology..."
"...and for some reason, there are only six boobs left! We must find out what has happened!"
"Yousa blingin' mo' skank off da high road on da trunk fizzle, yo!" was all Roy could say to that.
"That's it," said Fjoinky, "you're going down!", and launched himself at Roy.
Within the second that Fjoinky was airborne, Roy considered lots of things. Inbetween considerations of what life is all about, why people tend to find fart jokes amusing and why it is that dogs leave things lying around like what he had just stepped in, he thought that it was fortunate that he had studied the WWF Handbook of Pain on a previous occasion.
As Roy was delivering the proverbial smackdown to Fjoinky, Patty realised something important.
"If there are veggieburgers and cheeseburgers," he thought, "would it be entirely out of the question to have expected the invention of a sweetieburger from the evolution of mankind?"
Dougie proceeded to wet himself out of sheer boredom. It was warm.
After Patty was done with the whole sweetieburger deal, he realised that Jan had clearly exausted everything that this dreary planet had to offer in the way of natural resources. Jan had also succeeded in removing himself from present company. Patty considered this to have gone rather good. He was just going to give the order to return to the ship when a golfcart jumped a nearby curb and ran over Dougie, leaving a streak of urine.
The golf cart triggered almost-forgotten memories in his head, memories of the time he and Dougie spent in Vice City. He looked around to see if the golf cart had any significance, but he then noticed several more go past, and pass under a sign saying 'Ye Olde Golf Carts Enthusiasts Rally - Straight Ahead'.
However this place seemed more familiar now, and soon everything came together and made sense in Fjoinky's mind.
"I've got it! This is Vice City in the future!" Fjoinky cried.
"Although it would be improper to 'burst your bubble' as it were Sir," Roy began "but that giant sign over there would seem to state that this is Vice City, capital of the Japanese Empire, to any moron."
"Ah," Fjoinky replied "I'm not just any moron."
Roy raised a mechanical eyebrow "Touché, Sir."
"The question is," began Wang, who piped up as he'd felt left out in the last few segments of this story, "Why has the Japanese Empire put it's capital in the U.S?"
Roy opened his mouth to speak, but as he did a large shadow was cast over the group. They all turned to see a...
"Dick." Patty said under his breath.
He looked up at the akwardly-shaped vessel which was also making its way to the rally.
"What in the blazes is that that thing?" Patty Enquired.
Roy pointed his little device at the thing that was now over them.
"It appears to be a Blimp, sir." Roy said, "It was used on Earth during this timeframe. Ships of its kind have also been called Zeppelins, sir. Further information related to this includes an entry about a group of archaic musicians that called themselves Led Zeppelin. They ruled, sir."
"Hmm..." Patty pondered out loud, "Mr. Wang, since you seem to have been neglected here I'm going to allow you some extended time in the spotlight. I'm hoping that you will follow suit and make a right boob of yourself."
"Thank you, Captain." Beamed Wang, "As a warrior, I shall embrace the duty that you have laid upon me. I'm a warriorly warrior afterall."
Fjoinky hung his head and sighed.
"My warrioring," Wang continued, "shall be as it should be with a warrior in my warrio--"
"Thank you," Patty interrupted, "that should be quite sufficient."
Wang seemed pleased with himself and hopped around like a puppy.
"Look," Fjoinky spoke again as he picked up his teeth that Roy had seen fit to distribute all over the pavement, "if you shall recall, I used to give the orders here."
"Too bad," Patty said, "we're all going to go over to that rally. They seem to have a nice carnival atmosphere there, maybe they also have some tea."
Fjoinky put all the teeth that he had recovered into his pocket and followed the rest of the crew to the large tent.
Soon they reached the big tent's entrance, which was guarded by a strange Cuban-looking man with a strange Cuban-looking hat. He asked them all a question in a fake Spanish accent:
"You da man wit de big cojones?"
The away team was puzzled. Nobody had the slightest idea of what this mysterious 'cojones' is. Then, Wang appointed himself as the breaker of the awkward silence and spoke: "Yes! My big warrior's cojones are warriorly big as every honourable warrior--" and he was cut off as the Cuban man shot him.
"Bitchin'," said Patty.
Fjoinky didn't pay much attention to that, as he was trying to recall any Spanish sentence just so he could impress the strange Cuban-looking man with a strange Cuban-looking hat for no apparent reason.
"Yo tengo un cocodrilo en mi pantalones," he said.
The reply from the Cuban man came none too late.
"You da man, man! I really like you, man! You got REEAL BIG cojones!!"
"Unlike you," said Jordy, who had caught up with the others and was now adjusting his X-ray goggles.
Nobody got the joke, though. They still didn't know what cojones are.
Somewhere in a whole different world, a wholly remarkable lifeform emerged from its home. This lifeform had occupied the home that it now left for a relatively long time. It left its home with sadness for leaving its world behind but also with excitement for the new one that it is about to enter. This liveform may have only been a gasious anomaly but it was ready to explore.
It explored its way right to Patty's nose.
"Oh, good lord!" Patty yelled as he stumbled back.
No one knew what Patty was on about right now, except for Fjoinky, who chuckled softly.
The fact about what happened came to the faces of everyone like a new sunrise. Fjoinky had farted. The Cuban man, being the brave soul that he is, leaned into it to have a smell. Wang, being the warrior that wasn't going to let himself be outbraved, did the same. They both had a great whiff.
"You, eh!" Cuban guy exclaimed, "You make the wind like el Burro!"
"Hmm." Wang said, while whiping the resulting tears from his eyes, "A warrior's fart."
An awkward moment was shared by everyone there. Fjoinky wished he had a camera.
And with that, a camera mysteriously out of the sky, bounced off the top of Fjoinky's head and into his conveniently outstretched hands. Patty looked at Fjoinky's brand new camera and said "How come he get's a nice camera? Why don't I have a nice camera?!"
Wang then proceeded to slap Patty upside the head (warrior style), which Fjoinky conveniently photographed. Patty then sat on the floor, crossed his legs and sucked his thumb.
"Oh dear," said Wang "I believe that warrior slap I gave him may have caused a nervous breakdown."
"Well we can't haul him around with us if he's like that." said Fjoinky, "Roy, boink Patty up to the ship, and if he gets any better, you can both boink down together too."
Dougie let out another audible giggle.
Roy and Patty promptly disappeared as they boinked back to the ship.
"Well," Fjoinky began "lets check out this rally then!"
And so they did. The Cuban man had decided to join the crew by now. After all, Fjoinky did have big cojones.
They entered the big tent and what they saw was most enthralling, possibly even awe-inspiring. Right there before them lay a magnificent golf court, dozens of times larger than the tent itself. However, they failed to notice that. What had captured their attention instead was the fact that their attention had been captured. Wang made a warriorly attempt at uncapturing it and failed, but at least he went down as a brave warrior.
Suddenly, they were interrupted (and hence their attention was recaptured) by a strange non-Cuban-looking man who promply proceeded to introduce himself.
"Hello, there! I am Zglndrk Vercetti, descendant of Tommy Vercetti, the man who once made the world realise that Vice City is the coolest city ever, without which it wouldn't have become the capital city of the funkiest empire in the world. He also once drove a golf cart on a beach and picked up two guys and a lifeguard and then they had a short, but exciting adventure."
A short pause was once again had by all. Fjoinky found it awfully peculiar that this man just randomly walked up to them and told them historical details involving his and Dougie's adventures that had negligible relevance to the present day, as the man couldn't possibly have recognised them. And he didn't. He just had a habit of saying weird stuff like that.
Therefore, instead of inquiring why the man had pointed out these details, Fjoinky pondered out loud:
"Hmm. Times sure have changed. In the 22nd century, people have names like Zglndrk."
To which the man replied: "No, actually we don't. My parents are called James and Mary, but they have a very twisted sense of humour."
And everybody exhaled in great joy.
"Y'know, something's just occurred to me." began Dougie.
"Another first." muttered Patty.
Dougie turned to Patty, bitchslapped him, and then continued.
"You guys are all from the future right?"
"Right." replied Roy.
"And this is the 22nd century right? One century after mine and Fjoinky's?"
"Right." chipped in Wang.
"So how come you guys know nothing about the Japanese empire?"
Patty thought for a moment.
"That's a very good point, we come from after this time period, and the world has never been ruled by Japan!"
"There are two explanations for this." began Roy. "Inconsistent authors who are obsessed with boobs, or (and this is more likely) that odd janitor fellow is to blame."
Everyone else stood in awe at Roy's predictions, but Fjoinky was more amused by his ability to speak brackets.
"Fjoinky!" said Wang, "can you get that janitor back here?"
"Watch this." Fjoinky said as he ran towards a wall and smacked straight into it.
There was a cloud of smoke and a large, slighty-translucent and not-quite-purple genie appeared and yawned.
"Who doth disturb my sleep, the sleep of a thousand years?" Fjoinky joked in a deep, loud voice.
"Piss off," The slightly-translucent and not-quite-purple genie said, "that is not funny."
The genie stared out over the grounds and over the small group of people who have now become his masters. Many many years ago the slighty-translucent and not-quite-a-certain-colour genie council conviened and decided that that Aladdin bastard had blown the whole deal by publishing that story about the lamp thing. Since then people have been rubbing lamps and various other things for good fortune and the slighty-translucent and not-quite-a-certain-colour genies were in danger. They decided that *running into walls would be the new method to summon them, since it would be an unlikely thing for someone to do.
* This is completely true. If you run into a wall, a genie will appear. If one does not, you are not doing it hard enough. Run into the wall at different velocities until you see a genie.
Now the slighty-translucent and not-quite-purple genie's attention was drawn to Wang in particular, who was hopping up and down with his one hand up in the air. He seemed in distress.
"Yes?" Asked the slighty-translucent and not-quite-purple genie.
"Help," whimpered Wang, "I must go warrior potty."
"Alright then," Patty answered, "just remember to lift the seat and flush."
"Thank, sir" Wang said with new hope in his voice, "I will go warrior potty with honour."
Wang hopped off towards left as Fjoinky cleared his throat calmly.
"Alright," Patty continued, "and what do you want?"
"I think I've figured this out." Fjoinky said, "This is a world that's supposed to be ruled by Japan, yet there are no cool things and you've never heard of a Japanese ruling of Earth (eventhough that would rock)"
"Whoa," Noted Roy, "parentheses."
"So what are you saying?" Patty asked.
"This," Fjoinky continued, quite impressively, "is an elaborate, yet cleverly-constructed hoax. Most possibly perpetrated by the custodian Jan. The motive is unclear at this point."
Fjoinky stared (store?) off into the distance and spoke these words: not these, but the ones to follow:
"Computer, end program."
The world around them vanished and they were standing on the holothing. Just then, Wang returned, he had wet himself but he seemed proud of this achievement.
"I go warrior potty." Wang beamed.
Jan appeared from... place. "Ok guys, you can go," he said.
Patty, Wang, Jordy, Roy and the Cuban man took off their masks and costumes and left the room. Fjoinky was slightly distracted by the fact that they weren't wearing any underwear. After regaining his concentration, he began asking questions.
"So, it was all fake?"
"I was never aboard a 24th century spaceship?"
"The Borfel didn't really attack us?"
"And you aren't really omnipotent?"
"Oh, you'll have to find that one out by yourself one day."
"So, why did you do all this?" inquired Fjoinky further.
"I was bored and wanted to do a test run on my new holothing," replied Jan.
An idea emerged from the murky depths of Fjoinky's mind. "Does it do boobs?" he asked, to which Jan affirmatively responded "Sure, why not?".
And so, many a much of boobs were had by Fjoinky and Jan for days and days. Until suddenly Dougie appeared and pondered: "Wait a tic... if this was all fake, how come Jan has a holothing in the 21st century?". While he was saying that, the camera slowly zoomed up on his face with the music in the background getting louder and then coming to a sudden, dramatic end.
(SUDDEN, DRAMATIC) END
(SUDDEN, DRAMATIC) END