Ambitious, but rubbish
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Return to ViceStarted on: 30 August 2004
Ended on: 11 November 2004
Contributors: Pstonie, Justas, Datadog, Phatt
Link to original thread: Click here Fjoinky felt pain throughout his whole body as his consciousness slowly returned to him. He opened his eyes, only slightly as it hurt quite a lot. What he saw was too much to take in at once. He beheld a magnificent shade of blue. In the center it had a bright, magnificent light. He realised that what he saw must be too wonderful for any mortal man to see, he must be dead. So magnificent was this sight that it hurt his eyes to look at it. Memories of what had happened came rushing back to him. He remembers Patty growing weary of his remarks. He remembers Patty ordering Wang to throw him out of a low-flying shuttlepod. He remembers falling out of a shuttlepod that was not flying low. He remembers looking back at Wang laughing a loud warrior's laugh. Fjoinky realised that he was lying in the middle of the road, staring up at the noon sky. Fjoinky made some attempts to get up, but the damage to his frail internal human organs, along with the plastic tutu that he was wearing, made this rather impossible. Instead, he rolled himself to the side of the road. He then proceeded to fart several times. It hurt like hell but it was still funny. He passed out again. During the state of lost consciousness, he saw many beautiful things. Among which were some of his childhood memories, such as the day he broke his toy truck and they bought a new one, the day his dog went missing and they got a new one and the day his father died and mom married a new one, who then proceeded to take away his toy truck, his dog and left him on a highway in the middle of Nebraska where Mr. Dunklestone picked him up and made him work in his pickle factory. Which was where he first met Sally on that wet, soggy afternoon in the summer of '89. Just as the dream was about to get to the long-anticipated R-rated sequence, something woke Fjoinky up. "Am... Am I in a... hospital?" he asked. There was no reply. He opened his eyes and realised he was still on the road. However, a few moments later he also noticed that there was now somebody observing him from a not so long distance. As Fjoinky's eyes began to focus he could make out the observer more clearly. The man was wearing a bright green Hawaiian shirt, blue denim jeans and had brown hair, he clutched in one hand a large pink disc with a heart on it. As Fjoinky's vision further improved he could see that the road he was lying on was lined with palm trees and ran parallel to a large beach, infact, this place, and this man, were very familiar to Fjoinky. The man walked over to Fjoinky and gave him the disc. As Fjoinky took it the disc melted away and all of Fjoinky's injuries were healed. Memories flooded back, and then he realised where he was and who his saviour was. "Tommy?"
"Hello again Fjoinky," replied Tommy Vercetti "How did you end up back here?"
"Well," Fjoinky began, "it all began when I was on this spaceship from the future, and I told a joke that offended a good portion of the main crew, so they chucked me off." Fjoinky filled Tommy in on the future Vice City he saw and what Patty and co were like.
"So what joke did you tell to get chucked out of the ship?"
"It goes like this." Fjoinky began "There once was a man named Enis, who once sucked on Patty's..."
"Ok ok!" Tommy cut in conveniently "That'll do. Let's go back to the mansion." Fjoinky and Tommy got in Tommy's limo and headed off towards Tommy's mansion estate on Starfish Island, about one third of the way there however, something occurred to Fjoinky. "Hey, where the flerking schnit is Dougie?" Fjoinky's train of thought was interrupted when Tommy tugged hard on the wheel of the limo which caused it to swerve over the road. The limo went over the curb and the bounce of the curb was enough to lift the nose over the little wall that was between the road and a demolished building site. The limo plowed into the ground and came to a halt shortly after all the wheels had reestablished contact with the ground.
"What the hell!" Fjoinky screamed as he removed his wallet from his pocket, fearing that the money might be damaged if he were to decide to wet himself. Tommy and Fjoinky both got out of the limo. Tommy looked back at where he had hopped the curb.
"Heh," Tommy chuckled, "that'll teach him to walk on the pavement."
The front of the limo was ruined. The bumper was missing and the crumpled hood had come loose. A small stream of steam (a steam stream) blew out of the front of the engine.
"Hmm," Tommy continued, "this won't do."
Tommy made his way up the slight hill that they had come from. Fjoinky followed.
"You drive like a bloody maniac! You ca--" Fjoinky screamed again but was interrupted when a hot girl walked by. Fjoinky followed. "Hey! Over here!" Tommy yelled to Fjoinky and pointed to a red sports car that he had just removed from someone's possession. LOGGING Fjoinky OS v2.3
[16h34] Spotted - subject: Boobs - possibly accompanied by a female
[16h34] Shutting down all previous processes. In pursuit of subject
[16h35] In pursuit of subject
[16h35] Long range sensors picking up faint annoyance
[16h35] In pursuit of subject
[16h36] Faint annoyance is subject Tommy
[16h36] Subject Tommy might contain location of more/better boobs.
[16h36] In pursuit of subject Tommy Fjoinky approached the car.
"Uhh, Fjoinky?" Tommy enquired in an unsure manner, "why are you looking at me like that?"
"Booobs" Fjoinky murmered in a zombie-like manner.
Tommy shook his head and got in the car. Fjoinky followed.
"We'll pick up the chopper at the mansion," Tommy said as they sped off, "and then we're off to the airport where there will almost surely be no women."
Fjoinky tried to open the car door which Tommy had locked. Fjoinky peered out of the window and made his wanting noise. However, what Tommy was just about to fall a victim of, is a case most commonly known as ADDVCSE (Attention Deficit Disorder, Vice City Special Edition), the symptoms of which include postponing and often even forgetting your original goals in order to go do something else instead that sounds like an even cooler idea at the moment. And Vice City just happened to be an enviroment that strongly encourages such symptoms to occur. In other words, Tommy noticed a sniper rifle on a nearby roof and decided to go on a Rampage by beginning to shoot at random people with it. They both had much fun up there, except for the fact that once Fjoinky got ahold of said firearm, he was very reluctant to return it to Tommy which caused the latter to perform a wedgie on the former. This, however, attracted much attention in their surroundings and not much later, a policeman joined them up there and rendered them 'Busted!'. Everything in front of Fjoinky's eyes rapidly faded into black. He had lost consciousness. Eventually, a voice was heard in the darkness - "Tommy Vercetti is an innocent man!" And quite instantly, Tommy and Fjoinky were now both standing outside the police department in Washington Beach. During the short period when Fjoinky was still relatively confused about what had just happened, Tommy went quickly back in and returned, now dressed as one of the cops. "Come on," he said to Fjoinky, "We lost all our weapons and money because of you. Time to earn it back." Tommy brandished a pair of cuffs. "Put these on."
"But you haven't even bought me dinner!" Fjoinky replied with a smirk on his face, which Tommy swiftly removed with a smart backhander across Fjoinky's face. Fjoinky outstretched his arms and Tommy 'cuffed him. He then proceeded to march Tommy into the station. As they walked into reception he nodded at the desk clerk like he knew him. The desk clerk looked at Tommy strangely for a few seconds. "Hey, didn't we just release you guys?"
"Not me," replied Tommy, "Just this guy, he tried mugging some old lady as soon as he left the station. I'm taking him back into custody."
"OK No problem." The desk clerk smiled. He completely missed the fact the Tommy took Fjoinky up the stairs to the roof. Tommy led Fjoinky out onto the roof, stopped in front of a VCPD chopper and removed Fjoinky's 'cuffs.
"Hey," Fjoinky began "Since when have they stationed police choppers here?"
"Recent addition," replied Tommy "which we can use to our advantage. Get in."
Fjoinky and Tommy climbed into the chopper, and Tommy took the controls and put the chopper into flight. "So," Fjoinky said "where are we going?"
Tommy sighed "The Military Base here." Suddenly Fjoinky's penny dropped. In fact, it dropped right out of the open chopper window. Miss Daisy marvelled at the sunny day with the beautifully rendered clouds and the nice shade that the water took on this time of day. Many people told her that to seek a safe home in Vice City was a bad idea since there had been numourous reports of violence, crime and boob snatching in the city. She loved it here. She inhaled the crisp morning air into her polygonal nostrils. The exhale procedure was cut short when a penny was embedded in her skull. This would cause her to become a total vegetable for the rest of her life and cause her great pain when she called out to the vegan spirit No-poo-poo while she spent her days in an old age home. "Hmm..." It came from Tommy as he executed a sharp banking manuevre that made the helicopter descend at teriffic speeds before it came back up.
"Damnit!" Fjoinky yelled as he removed his wallet again.
"You know," Tommy said, not minding that Fjoinky had almost just dropped a considerable logg, "something about this is weird."
"Like what?" Fjoinky enquired in response, a response that was reader-anticipatable(TM).
"Well," Tommy continued in a contemplatory manner, "did you ever have the feeling that you were just a pawn in someone's attempts at entertainment?"
"All the time." Fjoinky said.
"It's just like you have no control over your actions..." Tommy spoke as he made another sharp maneuvre with the chopper, which helped Fjoinky comfortably relieve himself.
"...or your bladder, for that matter." Fjoinky added. The chopper descended slowly into the army base and landed next to the Hunter.
"Say," Fjoinky started, "why are there no dogs in Vice City?"
"Oh," Tommy answered, "I think you know the answer to that." As they both got out they were greeted by the wrong side of many automatic rifles. Rifles that were being weilded by men in army clothes which, in retrospect, did not seem like an unlikely occurance, seeing as they were in an army base afterall.
"Freeze!" It came from one of the army guys.
Fjoinky raised an eyebrow, but did it too fast, which caused it to fly off his forehead and be embedded in the Hunter. "Watch out, it's an eyebrow!!" cried one of the soldiers which initiated a chain reaction of soldiers throwing down their weapons and fleeing the base in a plethora of directions.
"Nice one," commented Tommy as he began to retrieve two discarded rifles and obtaining the ammunition from the rest. Fjoinky remained, as it was to be expected, in a state of utmost confusion, attempting to comprehend what had just happened. A few minutes passed.
"Here, put that back," said Tommy who had completed his job, unfastened the eyebrow from the aforementioned aviation-capable vehicle and was now holding it in his hand, which he was in turn holding out in front of Fjoinky, who did not respond. Once Tommy realised the futility of his anticipation, he reattached the eyebrow to Fjoinky himself. He thought it would be funny if he put it under his nose instead, and so he did. Fjoinky had a moustache now. Tommy then proceeded to relocate Fjoinky into the Hunter, assume the pilot's seat and conduct the offlift, which resulted in them becoming airborne once again. The Hunter ascended out above the surrounding buildings and tilted forward, commencing it's journey.
"So," Fjoinky spoke, stroking his moustache, "what's the plan?"
"Plan?" Tommy enquired, "Well, uh... I guess we could fly low and shoot at some cops... Maybe try to shoot down one or two advertising planes."
Fjoinky looked out of the window again, still stroking the moustache, trying to catch a glance of some babes. "Hmm..." Fjoinky started later, "That seems pretty single-minded. Why don't we go to the Pole Position club instead, maybe Dougie is still there."
"To kill him?" Tommy asked in an interested manner.
"Uh, no. We can find him. The club also has babes."
Tommy thought for a while.
"...To kill them?"
Fjoinky sighed hard, causing his mousbrow to be blown out of the choppers window, fluttering down towards the beach.
"Damnit!" Fjoinky yelled as he jumped out of the window after his most prized possession.
As he was pulled at high speed towards the ground by gravity he was not so much concerned about how he was going to land safely as he was about how he and Tommy had managed to traverse in the Hunter, seeing as it absolutely only had one seat. It just so happened that his rapid fall was conveniently absorbed by a severely obese tourist down below. Fjoinky thanked the now groaning puddle of a human for breaking his fall and then proceeded to begin looking for his moustache. He glanced at his surroundings and found himself to be on the patch of grass behind Mitch Baker's bar. Despite overwhelming odds, he found his moustache quite instantly just near that long seaside streetroad way. As he was about to reach for it, a sudden gust of revolving air coming from above rose it off the ground, causing it to drift towards the road, where it was then inadvertently attached to the front wheel of a Stallion passing by at a rather high velocity. The enraged Fjoinky turned around to see what may have caused the gust of wind and found that Tommy had landed the Hunter behind him. Tommy yelled to him: "Come on, get back in here! You didn't finish my lapdance!". Fjoinky contemplated asking about the lapdance, about the giving of which he was unaware, but the more urgent moustachial matter convinced him to investigate this later. "No!" he exclaimed, "We have to get my moustache back!". Tommy thought for a moment. Then, he said: "Hmm.... okay!" As Fjoinky made his way to the Hunter, which still only had one seat, he stopped suddenly and looked in a random direction.
"Behold!" Fjoinky said, pointing in the direction that he had been looking.
When Tommy looked Fjoinky quickly ran down the road, past the biker bar. Fjoinky ran until his lungs burned and his legs felt like they were going to fall off. He was pretty unfit, so that was only a couple of meters. As he rested, trying to catch his breath using guile and surprise attacks, he noticed a sign on the side of a building with the words "To Let" on it.
"Good," Fjoinky thought, "I could use the facilities right now."
Fjoinky made his way to the sign, slowly. "Oh, good day." Came a cheery voice in a British accent as Fjoinky reached the door.
Fjoinky tried to look up but his neck and eyes still hurt from the running, so he leaned back instead, which hurt less so.
"You!" Fjoinky exclaimed as he noticed Fordsworth.
"Ho ho," Said Fordsworth, "you too."
Fjoinky hated dry Hungarian humour.
"Well," Fjoinky said, pushing Fordsworth aside, "I must potty."
"I am the master of this commodal entrance," Fordsworth interrupted, "I decide who may make poopy and who may not."
"Alright," Fjoinky said, "may I go make poopy, good sir?"
An enthusiastic "No!" was Fordsworth's only answer.
Fjoinky was about to launch into a spastic swearing fit when Dougie fell out of the sky and landed next to them, causing Dougie some minor injuries and leaving a pretty impressive spattering of blood and urine.
Fordsworth adjusted his monocle. "Yo Doug!" said Fjoinky. Dougie stood up, dusted the spatters of blood and urine off his clothes and replied with a convenient "Yo. 'Sup?" "Stupendous!" commented Fordsworth on Dougie's lack of residual injuries. This didn't answer Dougie's mispresumably arbitrary question, so he threw Fordsworth with a fork and looked at Fjoinky with an inquiritive facial expression.
"I was about to go pee and then find my eyebrow-moustache (broustache?) that was recently embedded on the front tyre of a Stallion passing by. However, your sudden arrival seems to have taken care of the former of the two problems." said Fjoinky and pointed towards his now moist trousers. Dougie chuckled. Fordsworth, who had by now managed to remove the fork from his elbow, mentioned: "Oh, you lost your eyebrow? By George, why on Earth didn't you notify me of that earlier?". "Because you never asked," was Fjoinky about to say, but realised that being a smartass in the vicinity of a fork-bearing Englishman might not be too good of an idea. Instead, he asked "Why, can you help me find it?" "Indubitably!" exclaimed Fordsworth, "Just hop on to my moped and off we go to the Pizza bar!"
"I'm not getting on that deathtrap." Fjoinky replied without missing a beat.
"My dear chap," Fordsworth said, "it's just so very very safe."
Fordsworth hadn't finished speaking when FJoinky grabbed Dougie and ran to the road. With a fluent motion, which seemed to go on forever, yet was very short, Fjoinky chucked Dougie out from under his arm and into oncoming traffic. In the same motion Fjoinky grabbed a lighter and lit the cigarette that he had placed in his mouth then spit it out and pocketed the lighter, remembering that he doesn't smoke. Dougie bounced off the front of a Stallion that had been approaching and landed in the road in front of the car. As the driver of the car got out of the car to inspect Dougie, Fjoinky came running, grabbed Dougie and hurled him at the passenger seat of the now-empty Stallion. Dougie was still working on something to say when Fjoinky landed beside him, put the car in drive, yanked the steering wheel hard and hit the gas, spinning the car around before it sped off in the direction of the stadium. "Put me down!" Dougie explaimed.
Dougie was going to say something in protest of being thrown into oncoming traffic but was interrupted when Fjoinky beat him with a newspaper accross the back of the head. As they passed a Police cruiser Fjoinky threw a tomato at the cruiser's windshield. The tomato made a fantastic display of the distribution pattern of overripe fruit on glass surfaces before the cruiser's lights and siren came on and persued the Stallion that Fjoinky and Dougie were occupying. Fordsworth followed them on his moped with a cup of tea in his one hand and some biscuits in the other. And thus began the single most devastatingly violent and overly dramatic car chase of the new century. The sheer detail involved with the destruction of items should as mailboxes, hydrants, lampposts, fruit stands, babies, and especially several adult video stores was so mind-boggling and awe-inspiring that to simply be there at any point of the chase, let alone try to describe it with justice, would give the mightiest man explosive diarrhea followed by a quaint little seizure which would shortly result in a horrifyingly painful death. In other words, there were no witnesses left alive. It was THAT awesome of a car chase. But anyway, after a block into the chase, it became apparent to Fjoinky that they would need to strategize to get out of this one. Dougie, unfortunately, had pieces of baby and bits of the windshield stuck in his frontal lobe and was unable to offer any advice other than "butter goes good on toast." And their friendly occupant on the moped, had to pull over because apparently someone had placed a deathtrap on his seat, and he too was unable to offer any useful advice. That's when Lady Luck smiled on Fjoinky as he passed a nearby Paint Garage and realized that disguising his vehicle might be his only way to escape the cops. Using his Go-Go Gadget Flash Grenade, he temporarily blinded the cops long enough to pull into the garage unnoticed and escape out the other side. Unfortunately, the technicians mixed up the work orders. So within a matter of seconds, the deadly Yakuza assassin, Kintaro Suzuki, drove out of that shop with a shiny pink paint job and was gunned down in a violent hate crime for being a sissy. And Fjoinky drove out there with his car rigged entirely with armed explosives. As Fjoinky noticed the mistake of the technicians, he realised that his plan to rid himself of the artificially unintelligent authorities had failed. He glanced at his surroundings - it was clear that it was only be a matter of minutes until he was found. He sat down and begun contemplating a new plan. Being a brilliant-minded sophisticated young man that he wasn't, he actually just sat there for a while with his thumb in his mouth until Dougie returned from his reconnaissance check. "Come on, you're not going to find your broustache just by sitting here," he said, all the while picking out shards of glass from his left eyeball. "But... the police!" stuttered Fjoinky. Dougie smirked smirkily. "It appears they all died from laughter after they saw that Japanese guy with his pink Maibatsu Thunder. We're free to go." Fjoinky felt relieved. Partly because they were free and partly because his thumbsucking had been accompanied by uncontrolled urination, not unlike the incident back at the hospital's elevator. He pondered whether this was a case of déjà vu, in which case the next thing to happen would've been the sudden appearance of... "Get up, Debbie," echoed a voice from someone who had approached our dynamic duo. "Jan?" asked Fjoinky.
"No, just me," said Fordsworth and threw a cup of hot tea in Fjoinky's face whilst loudly giggling. "Ouchies!" Fjoinky yelled as he looked for their car that had apparently just vanished into thin air.
"Serves you right, old dog." Fordsworth replied, adjusting his underwear. "I dropped my biscuits while swerving off the road."
"Oh dear," Said Dougie. "That's terribly unfortunate."
Fordsworth felt that words could not convey his feelings and launched into a peculiar little dance that seemed to go with the A-Team theme.
What he was actually trying to convey was an inquiry towards Dougie, wanting to know if he was being mocked by a terribly un-british guy who smelled vaguely of onions.
Fjoinky and Dougie didn't get it.
"Do you mock me, sir?" Fordsworth said under a sigh. Dougie had been caught out. He also was quite afraid of confrontations and swiftly changed the subject.
"Would you like a Danish instead?" Dougie came back quickly.
"Oh, my no." Was Fordsworth's reply. "I couldn't bear all that grease in my system."
With that, Fordsworth hopped on his Moped and sped off in a random direction, pausing only to refill the ceramic teapot that he had installed. In the distance, the law was approaching and Fjoinky still hadn't gotten rid of the two stars that he had received for 'assualt with rotten fruit'. Two police cruisers converged on their location and stopped dead as the cops got out and took aim at them behind the doors of the cars.
"Well Dougie, looks like this is it." Fjoinky said, holding his hands in the air.
"Yeah," Dougie replied, doing the same, "Guess it's time..."
With that, they both started singing the Japanese version of YMCA and did a synchronised dance that they had made up for situations just like this one. ....and then Fjoinky lobbed a grenade between the two cars, thus causing an explosion and several dead policemen. "Well," said Dougie, "where the hell is Tommy?" Fjoinky dusted policeman entrails off his clothes and replied "Hmm. I dunno, possibly in his helicopter still. We'll need to go up to go look for him." "But how do we get ourselves a helicopter?" queried Dougie.
"Like this." replied Fjoinky and threw a cantelope at a nearby policeman. Another police cruiser quickly appeared, and another officer stepped out. Fjoinky threw Dougie at him and jumped in the cruiser and drove off. "WAIT FOR MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Cried Dougie. And that's how they got to the moon. "Aw, crap!" Dougie screamed. "This always happens on my birthday!" Meanwhile, over on the edge of the moon, Fjoinky stared down at the planet below, pondering several ponders. "I see Tommy's helicopter," Fjoinky said, "right over there. But in order to reach him, we'll have to execute the single most daring stunt in human history. We must skydive off the moon, survive burning up through Earth's atmosphere, pass through the helicopter's blades without injury, and land in the passenger seat, all the while making raspberry smoothies with a lemon twist."
"I'm allergic to lemon!" Dougie declared.
"Now follow my lead," Fjoinky said, preparing his jump. "This must be done with precision timing and exact calculations or we could die a horrible bloody death." And then Fordsworth showed up and pushed them off the moon. As Fjoinky free-fell through space towards the atmosphere, he thought of a plan. He grabbed Dougie by his right foot (which was surprising as he normally grabberd Dougie by his left foot) and spun himself and Dougie until they were at the correct angle to safely pass through the Earth's atmosphere, which they passed through at great speed with no problems. As Fjoinky and Dougie continued their plummet, now towards the Earth's surface, Dougie wriggled his right foot free of Fjoinky's grip and floated down next to him. "Dude, how the hell are we gonna slow ourselves down in time?!" Fjoinky thought about this for a moment, then spent the next two moments cursing about what he'd come up with. Then, all of a sudden, an idea hit him. He spent another four moments cursing about how much that hurt. "Dougie, watch this. JAN!!!!!!!!!!!!" Without missing a heartbeat, Jan Itor, maintenace guy and demi-god on the side appeared. "What up Debbie?" Fjoinky sighed. "Us. Well, for now. We need parachutes." "Oooo," Jan replied, "that's gonna cost ya...." "How much?" Jan's face became demonic: "Your eternal soul!" Fjoinky looked in fear. Jan's face quickly flicked back to normal as he burst into laughter. "Naw, I'm only kidding, here you go." Parachutes appeared on Fjoinky and Dougie's backs. Jan grinned, "I'll see YOU for your payment later." and disappeared. Fjoinky and Dougie pulled their cords in unison and.... Fjoinky and Dougie became from two distant white spots in the blue sky down onto the roof of the stadium. They both landed safely and Fjoinky unhooked his parachute from the harness but was interrupted as he saw Dougie struggling to unhook his harness, failing and then watched Dougie being dragged by the wind-swept parachute, followed by a trail of urine. Dougie finally managed to unhook his parachute and started walking back towards where Fjoinky was standing. Fjoinky saw that it would take some time and started running in circles until Dougie got back. "Shit." said Fjoinky, out of breath as Dougie walked up to him.
"Yeah," Dougie said, "That was pretty intense."
"No," Fjoinky retorted in a retortatory manner, "I need to use the bathroom." Fjoinky looked up at Dougie, who was still wearing his harnass and pulled him by it, causing him to fall from the roof and onto a car that was parked around the stadium. Fjoinky inspected the damage and then jumped off after Dougie, missing the car and inventing a new sound effect as he impacted with the pavement. When Dougie woke up, he saw Fjoinky sitting in a car that was parked nearby. He got up painfully and walked up to the car just as Fjoinky got out and closed the door.
"We're not stealing the car?" Dougie inquired.
"Nah, trust me, you don't want this one." Fjoinky replied, "I left a little present on the driver's seat."
"Cool." Dougie chuckled, "Poop." Out of nowhere, Tommy seemed to appear. Without even a hullo or an acknowledgement of their presence, he got in the car and drove off.
"Uh huh huh huh." Fjoinky started.
"Mneh, eh heh mneh heh heh." Was Dougie's reply.
"Uh huh uh huh huh... huh uh huh.. huh huh..." Fjoinky got ahold of himself, "So, what were we doing?"
"I dunno," Dougie said, "Since when do people actually do missions in Vice City instead of just doing incredible stunts and scamming some babes.?"
"Good point," Fjoinky said, "it's much more fun just hanging out, ainnit?"
"Shaa!" Dougie replied, "I could really go for some tea and biscuits right about now."
Fjoinky hit Dougie with the newspaper.
"Ah," Dougie recovered, "Thanks. Don't feel like it anymore." They decided to hop in a Maibatsu and head for some more fun.
"You take car." Said a voice from a back seat, just as they were about to drive off.
"I just sleep in back of a car," Continued the Japanese guy, who had apparently been lying on the back seat, "And now you take car."
"Boobs!" Fjoinky yelled.
"Uh," Dougie tried to explain, "We'd really like a chopper but there are none close by."
"Is okay," The Japanese guy said, fidgeting in his pocket, "I make fly."
With that, the Japanese guy, who shall be called Dong, removed a cellphone from his pocket and pressed a button on it. The car rumbled slightly, then seemed to be lifted off the ground. Its wheels folded in under it as the engines powered up and they shot off into the direction of the middle of town.
"Whoa!" Dougie exclaimed.
"I make fly." Said Dong. As Dong said "I make fly" a freak air current delivered the words across thousands of miles of airspace into the ears of one Spider-man. Spider-man had been enjoying a pleasant evening of swinging around the city and throwing innocent civilians into the harbour when he perceived what seemed to sound like "I like pie" entered his ear. This slight mistranslation stuck in his brain like a power-driven staple for the rest of the afternoon. Finally, after stealing an old lady's nurse and popping several childrens' balloons, it became around 7:00 PM when his brain finally snapped. "I LIKE PIE!" Spider-man declared to the city in great happiness. With that, he swung to the top of the Empire State Building and dived off, performing four stunts he bought at the comic book store. Of course, this caused his timing to be off, and he failed to swing to safety as he plummeted to his death. And that's how Spider-man died. As his twisted crumpled body lay bleeding on the hood of a car, he whispered but three words: "I like pie." A little boy, watching his hero die, said "I'll make pie." Now that this story has been told, an important event which occurs during the climax of our other story will make a lot more sense. Meanwhile, back at Vice City, Fjoinky suddenly noticed something in his pants. "Hey Dougie, guess what I just found in my pants!" he said. "A typewriter?" responded Dougie ironically. He loved sarcasm.
"How'd you know?" asked Fjoinky surprisedly. For indeed, the item he had just recently discovered to be located in his pantaloons most closely resembled an old-style typewriter, for the untrained eye.
"Aah, that not typeliter! It pantfirtlator!" chuckled Dong. "A... pantfiltrator?" inquired Dougie. "Yes! It infirtlate pants! And shape like typeliter! Made in Japan!!" exclaimed Dong in a state of utter exhilaration. "Cool," thought Fjoinky, but after contemplating the matter for roughly seven point four moments, a question appeared in his mind, which he swiftly forwarded to Dong: "Why would anyone make a pant infiltrator shaped like a typewriter?". The response was quick to follow: "It the sacred art of Chindogu!". "Sweet!" said Dougie and Fjoinky synchronously.
"So, where shall we go?" asked Fjoinky. "To the more," suggested Dong.
"The more?" asked Dougie. "Yes! The more!" replied Dong, "North Point More!". Fjoinky realised that Dong was referring to the North Point Mall, but decided not to inform Dougie of this, as he found it to be rather amusing to observe him battling Dong with a pair of daikon radishes over a simple misunderstanding caused by the peculiarities of Japanese pronunciation. In fact, so much was he captivated by the hilarity of their pathetic fighting moves that neither of the three were now steering the vehicle which had just entered an airspace of unusually high traffic density. Fjoinky and Dougie both noticed this and decided that they would both engage in the act of pissing themselves. And so they did and it felt kinda warm.
"Ah, no no!" Yelled Dong, noticing the fluid trickling down onto his shoes, "You make wet on seat!"
But the Japanese-built Maibatsu was a car that had a powerful AI processor. Luckily Dong had also opted for the XE model that had the auto drive feature for the unlikely event that 2/3 of the passengers wet themselves. The compact Japanese car made a terrific spiral downwards at high speed and did a magnificent nose-lift manuevre combined with high speed banking, a feature that was only available in the XE model. Before they knew it, the car had arrived at the mall after a stupendous display of aerobatic skill and Japanese engineering. The car descended slowly and landed in the parking spot that it had calculated to be the most efficient. The doors opened and the car, in a female voice, notified them that they had indeed arrived. Thusly: "Passengel at more now. Thanking passengel muchry." "Cool." Was all that Fjoinky could supply as communication at such short notice.
"Dude." Replied Dougie, giving Fjoinky the evil eye because Fjoinky stole what he was going to say.
Fjoinky was just about to ask the car about some boobs when he was dragged out of the car by his ear. "Hey, Deborah." Said Jan while munching on a chocolate bar.
Fjoinky was sick and tired of him always being called a woman's name by this omnipotent being. He was going to get him back. 'Yes!' he thought. He would call Jan a woman's name back.
"Hello, Jan." Fjoinky returned. 'Damn!' he thought.
"Hey, butt...fart." Dougie spoke to Jan as he sprang out of the passenger side of the car, not unlike one of those condescending air-filled punchy clowns, "Do you think you could maybe run down to the Deli and pick us up some buttfart remover?"
'Hehe' Thought Dougie, that was a line and a half.
"Eeh, no." Jan replied, "I think I'll just leave now. I have to go wash my hands because I actually touched her ear."
And with that Jan was gone. They looked around and realised that they were now already in the mall.
"Hey." Dougie said, realising that local law enforcement usually frowns upon parking your car in the mall.
"Uh-huh." Replied Fjoinky, realising that he would not like to spend the night in prison.
"Is mostest mostry efficient palking prace!" Dong said excitedly.
They looked around at the car in awe as it placed a card in the windscreen reading "WIN! WIN! WIN!" A table also inflated next to the car, complete with an inflatable guy that was advertising that passers-by could donate money to charity and win the car in the process. Everyone in the mall pretended to ignore it. Fjoinky looked around the mall and wondered why they would want to be here. A sign saying "Bob's Boobery" caught his eye as he exclaimed: "Aha!" Our group of heroes proceeded towards the shop, where untold treasures awaited them. Fjoinky approached the counter. He had planned to come to a full stop before reaching the counter, but he was a little late and walked right into it. The clerk behind the counter pretended not to notice and greeted the Tumbling Trio: "Welcome to Bob's Boobery, fine sirs! My name is Bob, how may I serve you?" A grin of anticipation appeared on Fjoinky's face as he said the word he had wanted to say for quite a while now: "Boobs." "Oh, I'm sorry, we don't have any," replied Bob. The grin on Fjoinky's face subsided. "No boobs?" he asked. "No," reaffirmed Bob his answer. "But this place is called 'Bob's Boobery'!" exclaimed Fjoinky, expecting a further clarification. "Oh, that name is just to attract the crowds," explained Bob. Dougie decided to join in on the conversation as Fjoinky apparently needed some time to pull himself together again. "So... what is it that you sell here?" he asked. "Pantfiltrators!" said Bob and excitement filled up his nostrils, from where it proceeded to trickle down along his chin and formed a peculiar puddle of abstract nothingness on the tabletop below. "Made in Japan!" he added, "Very popular!" "Why do people buy these things?" pondered Fjoinky out aloud. "Because they're from Japan and Japanese inventions are cool!" exclaimed Bob whose invisible puddle of excitement had now somehow assumed the shape of a Swedish staircase. "You've got a point there," said Dougie, "I'll buy a twelve-pack!". Fjoinky, who had decided to fill in for Dougie's rational sense, slapped him repeatedly in the face and said "Shut up, we don't need this crap! It's useless!" This was more than Dong could take. Fjoinky had mocked the delicate art of Chindogu and thus, he deserved punishment. Dong closed his eyes, clenched his fists and yelled out loud: "SHITAKE KAKAMASHIIIIIIIIII!!!!!" And then he transformed into a big anime robot warrior. And so Fjoinky and Dougie stared up in bewilderment at the physical embodiment of their own demise, standing 50 feet high in a room with a 51 foot ceiling. With glowing eyes, giant laser-equipped arms, rockets boots, and a mouth that could only move at about 3 frames per second, Dong had surpassed anyone's expectations of how cool he could really become. So for the sake of awe, Fjoinky and Dougie wet themselves again. "So, you guys want to buy a pantfiltrator or what?" Bob asked, seeming to be undeserved by the mammoth machine that had accidentally just stepped on the one millionth customer.
"I don't know," Fjoinky said, for some reason forgetting there was a giant killer robot present, "I mean, Dougie and I were really expecting boobs and" "Boobs." "Thank you, Dougie - and you're trying to take our boob money in exchange for something that doesn't even resemble boobs without even trying to make up the difference. That's really quite bad customer service and probably the reason why you need to lie to get customers in here. Besides, logically, wouldn't you sell more pantfiltrators if you put "pantfiltrators" on the sign outside instead of "boobery?" That way, people looking for pantfiltrators will come in, and not just people looking for boobs. I guarantee you'll at least triple your income." Bob slapped him with a frozen tuna. "Dong!" Bob cried, "Attack!" But it was too late - while everyone was distracted by Fjoinky's lecture on customer service, Dougie had taken the opportunity to leg-hump the Dong robot to a fine grain. "I guess we'll have to go somewhere else for boobs." Fjoinky said. And then the hooker walked in. Fjoinky looked around to the hooker but he saw that it was a Rugby player and not a woman. Incedentally, the player's position in the team was "Hooker". Fjoinky made a note of that fact, just in case people from other countries were listening in on his thoughts. 'Send me some money... And some Nachos' Fjoinky thought again in several international languages. "A hooker!" Fjoinky yelled and pointed to the door.
Dougie spun his head around to see, but did it too fast, temporarily cutting off the flow of blood to his brain and causing him to drop to the floor, passed out.
"In Japan, we kicko ass at lugby!" Said Dong, dusting off the remains of his robot suit.
"No," Replied the player, "You don't."
"We not pray so well," Dong said, "but we stillo kick some asso."
A short pause was had by all.
"Nolmarry," Dong continued, "They chase us offo field, because we do the kicking of the other prayer's asso. They no like." Dougie woke up and mumbled for something that sounded like "bubs". The Rugbyplayer urinated on Dougie, it smelled of grass. "G'Day," Said the Rugbyplayer with an unusual accent, "my name's Bruce."
Dougie got up and dusted himself off. He wondered why this made his hands all sticky. "You think you're big el Burro, eh!" It came from the counter, "I crush you like a chickaka!"
Fjoinky looked around and saw that the rowdy Cuban guy had replaced the shopkeeper and was now standing behind the counter, shouting at the Rugby player. The Rugby player took offence to this, as is sometimes normal when some sweaty guy in a vest threatens to crush you. Thusly the rugby player stood at attention and sang his national anthem, in preparation for the pummeling of the Cuban. The Cuban could not remember his national anthem and took two steps back. With that, he jumped over the counter, flying through the air, weaving in a wavy fashion and knocked Bruce off his feet.
"We call that de Cuban wave, eh!" Shouted the Cuban as Bruce slid out of the shop and accross the floor. "Whoa!" Exclaimed Fjoinky.
"Blimey." Dougie said.
"Eh!" Replied the Cuban and proceeded to do a little dance. "Now is time for praying somo Lugby!" Dong said, running up to Bruce before he started kicking at his butt. Tommy rounded the corner just then, running as if he was being chased by the devil, followed by about ten law enforcement officers. Tommy tripped over the game of Japanese Rugby that was happening in the center of the floor. The police officers caught up with Tommy and started hitting hm with sticks. Some SWAT officers dropped through the roof and kicked Tommy. "Help!" Yelled Tommy in the direction where Dougie and Fjoinky were standing. Fjoinky and Dougie watched, sipping from drinks, as the Police beat Tommy into a sticky mess of blood and other leaking bodily fluids on the floor. Quite incidentally, another one of those freak air currents took place just then, carrying Tommy's cry for help to the ears of the boy who had made pie for Spiderman. He didn't really pay much attention to it, though, and kept eating the pie, dropping a crumb or two on the soon-to-be-smelly corpse of his hero. The crumbs disappeared from there every once in a while, making the kid believe that Spiderman could posthumously absorb them through his skin. Whereas the truth was that they were swiftly removed from there by a nearby bum who ate the crumbs while the kid wasn't looking. In a moderately masculine manner, it made them both happy. Meanwhile, back at the mall, the situation had somehow solved itself while we weren't looking. The cops were gone, Tommy had just regained consciousness, the Cuban was gnawing away on a burrito, Fjoinky and Dougie were observing an issue of "Boobs Monthly" they had found between the teeth of a nearby fishmonger and Dong was still kicking Bruce's ass on the proverbial rugby field. Then, Fjoinky remembered something. "Poop," he said. "Oh," Replied Dougie, "the bathroom is over there."
"No." Fjoinky said, "I think I've got the source of our problem here. There are way too many people in this story." With that, Fjoinky removed a device from his pocket.
"No," Exclaimed Dougie in a calm manner, "you dare not press that for it may forever doom us in a purgatory of a single time frame in time!"
Fjoinky gave Dougie a look that would make a terror beast weep and bonked him over the head with the device. He knew that Dougie must have been watching Ed Wood movies again. Fjoinky pressed the button on the device and it came to life as nothing happened.
"Cool." Said Dougie, looking around as everything stayed exactly the same.
Not that the device was malfunctioning, its purpose was, in fact, to do nothing. To freeze time was what it did. Fjoinky once procured this device from a story protagonist's convention in exchange for two vintage copies of story protagonist's quarterly. All in all, it was a bargain. Fjoinky observed how time stood still all around them. He walked up to Bruce who now had his butt well and truly kicked several times. He aimed the device at Bruce and pressed another button, which zapped out a laser-like beam and made Bruce dissapear. He did so with a number of the supporting characters, including the fishmonger and the weird, naked Indian that had appeared just now. Once he had eliminated all the extra supporting characters he pressed the button and unfroze the story. Just then, Spandor entered the mall and gave a loud "Ah-ha!" as he spotted Fjoinky and Dougie. Fjoinky noted to Dougie that the batteries on the device had now been drained, as they only last one instance in time. Dougie noted to Fjoinky that he just made a peepee and that he needed to potty, post haste. But they understood that there was no time for that, as Spandor ripped open his bleached T-Shirt and a white light poured from his chest. Deck chairs, tables and umbrellas from restaurants nearby flew towards him and seemed to melt into him, tranforming him into a eatery furniture beast. "Oh," Said Dong, "is Mashimoto 4000. Beeg trouble for yous."
The Spandor beast seemed to lean forward and gave a huge step that shook the ground and made plaster rain from the sky. Fjoinky and Dougie realised that their search for fun and adventure may be cut short after the Spandor beast stepped on them, so they immediately made their way to the Maibatsu XE that was parked where they had left it. They hopped in as it lifted off in anticipation of their distress. Through the windows they witnessed as the spandor beast ignored Dong and lifted off, using an unknown force, and persued them.
"Poop." Said Dougie. Looking back, they saw the beast approaching them faster than Rosie 'O Donnell to a McDonald's restaurant, which was quite fast, but not as terrifying. "If we can outrun him just a little longer..." Fjoinky said, straining as if being tense would make the Maibatsu go fast. And that's when the music started. It was quiet, it was harmonious, and for a few brief moments, Fjoinky and Dougie felt at peace. Slowly, Fjoinky's life flashed before his eyes, reliving every excrutiating detail of his childhood. Dougie had the same experience, only his flashback was an unrated director's cut with DVD skips in it - and an outtake reel. The Spandor beast enveloped the vehicle and everything went dark. Dougie turned to Fjoinky and whispered "I've always loved you." And the vehicle imploded - the external force being being an odd mixture of the Spandor beast's teeth, claws, foot, and personal feather duster. What seemed like an eternity of agonizing pain involving entrails was finally ended when they found themselves lying on the clouds before the Pearly Gates. The first thing Fjoinky noticed about themselves though, was that they now had non-fashionable haloes floating over their heads. "Dougie..." Fjoinky said in awe, "We're dead, dude!" A choir of angels opened the Gates and before them stood a vast field of boobs and poop. Dougie dropped to his knees and started to cry. He had never been so happy. Fjoinky gave it a so-so. Dong stepped out from inside the Gate and motioned them in. "Come in! Make happy!" Dong exclaimed. He didn't have a halo.
"Dong! How did you get here?" Fjoinky asked.
"I make fly." Dong smiled. Spider-man perked his head out from behind a pile of boobs and whispered, "Pie?"
"Dougie," Fjoinky said, "I think everything's gonna be all right."
"No it won't." Dong said. He pushed a button on his pantfiltrator, and both Dougie and Fjoinky never saw Heaven again.